Venting and breathing.

You know how you get to a point in life where you can handle everything that's coming at you? Well, I had gotten very comfortable with life and could handle everything pretty well until 2 days ago. I know there is an adjustment with major life changes, the birth of a new child, but wow, I'm am slightly terrified this adjustment is going to be more than I previously anticipated! I will pat myself on the back because I haven't been found in a corner sobbing! But I'd be lieing if I said I hadn't wanted to be in a corner sobbing.

This is my third c-section, and I am very thankful with how good I feel as soon as they rip that baby out of me and I am thankful for a body that recovers so quickly...but I have restrictions and I hate them. Mainly, I hate not being able to pick up my other children. It got hard this morning when Bryan went back to work and my Jamie refused to let me hold her cause it's been almost 2 weeks since I've been able to pick her up and she's become attached to Bryan. This morning she was so upset and she wouldn't let me touch her. That's when I thought about running to that corner and sobbing. 

I keep looking at these three kids and literally saying out loud, I can do this. Because honestly, today, it doesn't feel like I can do this. And my mom is still here helping me and if I don't feel like I can do this while she's here how am I going to do this after she leaves?!?! I think the sleep deprivation is seriously setting in. Oh newborn stage...I love how tiny they are! I hate waking up through out the night! And Samuel is such a good baby, I shouldn't complain at all! But I just needed to get that out there. And I know...in time...life will again feel do-able and I'll feel comfortable with all the challenges and demands of life.  But today, I'm just trying not to go to that corner! Now...if you've read all this you deserve a reward and here is your consolation prize...

He is delicious and I adore him! Thankful doesn't seem to capture the right feeling I have for him. I am grateful and honored and excited to have Samuel in our family. He seems to be a perfect mix of Benjamin and Jamie...both in appearance and in personality. It's been different with him then my other babies. Probably because he's our last one...we decided after his slightly scary delivery that we strongly feel like I shouldn't have more children. So every day I hold him and look at him and treasure this itty bitty phase because this opportunity isn't going to come again. I have three beautiful and amazing children and that is a miracle I will have forever!!